01 February 2013

The Bar Brawl, A Challenge

Disclaimer: Ladies and Gentlemen. The story you are about to read is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I hesitated. My friend GMA who is the shortest drag queen you will ever meet had pressured me to go. She told me that my crush would be there. On Lesbian Night?!? I had this nagging feeling that she just wanted me to go because she likes the tomboys and because she sort of looks like one. GMA is the only drag queen I know that likes to date lesbians. Sometimes they are very feminine like when she dated Claudine.

Anyways, back to my story. So I hesitated. But GMA urged me to go in. The bouncer at the door reminded me of PNoy -- he was balding, a little overweight and had an unexpectedly deep voice. He took my money and let me in.

Boy did I ever feel out of place. The place was packed wall to wall with lesbians. I mean, even if they weren't lesbian I'd feel out of place. I also felt very unwelcome as I glided across the room with GMA. And then, out of the corner of my eye, there he was, my crush, Jericho. What is he doing here? Then the thought crossed my mind, wait. What if he thinks I'm a lesbian? I mean, gay? This is a gay bar after all even though its lesbian night.

I quickly scanned his barkada and noticed all of them were lesbians -- so far so good -- wait. Is that? No. Or is it? I asked GMA to look more closely to see if that tacky bakla next to Jericho wasn't, in fact, Lucky, my arch nemesis.

You see we used to be friends back in grade school. But then when we were second year, he spent the night at my house once and tried to rape me in my sleep. I freaked out, slapped him across the face and then made him leave. I then launched a campaign to embarrass and humiliate him in school since nobody knew he was gay. Well, seven years later, he is loud and proud and used to it. He never forgot my fanatical crusade to destroy his reputation and likely suspecting that I myself like guys, has always found ways to subvert my wants and interests. For example, as the president of several clubs, every time there was a regional or national competition during our last year of high school where I had the competence to be on the school team and had put in my time, I was only lucky enough to get listed as second alternate once and bypassed for juniors. So I just accepted that as my punishment for being so extreme myself before.

But what is he doing loitering around my crush? And more importantly, what is Jericho doing hanging out with Lucky, at a gay bar, on lesbian night? GMA confirmed it was him and she had no additional intel on why he would be hanging with Jericho. She had never seen Lucky and Jericho in the same grouping. She immediately began what can only be described as masturbating her cellphone as she sent texts far and wide to get additional intel.

It was a bit boring watching GMA flirt with lesbians. There were too many people to really do any dancing and it was hot and inundated with cigarette smoke. I was quite anxious but I didn't want to look in the direction of Jericho. I decided I'd take a break from the heat and smoke by going to the CR for a moment to freshen up. I told GMA not to leave the place where we were since even for all her melodrama, her bouffant and her high heals, she still can't be seen from a distance in large groups of people.

Anyway, I made my way through the underbrush of lesbians to the CR. Of course, on lesbian night, the line for the women's CR snaked about the building like they do in the nicer malls on Hongkong island. The men's CR was empty. I took a leak and then was freshening up in the mirror when the door opened.

"Oh? Hi PJ!" the screeching, tacky voice of Lucky uttered.

"Oh. Hi Luis."

"So strange to see a man on lesbian night at a gay bar."

"I'm here with friends."

"Yes. But not a lesbian. How curious!" Lucky responded. I ignored him since I didn't see anything helpful or productive coming from the discussion. I washed my hands. I dried them as I headed for the door.

As I reached for the door handle, Lucky asked, "PJ Are you gay?"

I curtly responded "No."

"Oh good! I thought for a moment you were the competition for Jericho." he smirked.

I snaked my way back to GMA who I could see in the distance with a woman. Because of the sheer number of people in the club, I couldn't just make a straight line from the CR back to GMA. I got about half way when suddenly I bumped into Jericho.

"Hi" Jericho said

"Hi" I sheepishly replied.

"Isn't this place crazy? There's so many tomboys."

"Yeah. I just hope there isn't a fire or anything."As soon as 'anything' rolled off the tongue, some loud shouting broke out behind me.

"Fuck you you fucking lying piece of shit cunt."

"Don't call me a cunt you cunt."

Like a stone dropped in a still pond, the argument caused the bodies to move away from the two women like ever broadening concentric circles to create a clearing for them. The two older lesbians, who eerily looked like Senators Defensor-Santiago and Enrile (a slightly younger version of Enrile), made it seem like someone was going to get hurt. The pushing back of the bodies made my body involuntarily press into Jericho's.

"Well. That feels nice." Jericho said. I blushed.


"Oh no. Not at all. I'm actually hoping this gets drawn out a little." he said with smirk

Of course, I looked over to GMA who was smirking at me. By this time, all eyes were on the fight. The obscenities continued for a while until a third, younger lesbian that even more strangely looked like Pia Cayetano got into the circle and starting calling out the young Enrile-looking lesbian. JPE grabbed Pia's hair and then the bottles starting flying. Half of the crowd turned around to make it to one of the two tiny exits while the rest started to join in the melee.

By this time, there was more space to maneuver but Jericho and I were still pressed against each other. Of course, then came Lucky.

"What are you doing here?"


"Yeah, you."

"I was making my way back to my friends then the fight started and I was pushed over here."

"Oh. I got the feeling from where I was standing that we were watching the opening scenes of an X-man movie." Lucky mocked.

"Hey Lucky. What's it to you?" Jericho interjected as bottles continued to fly. Lucky hesitated. "Well, anyways, Lucky I think I'm going to call it a night. This was a little more excitement than what I was expecting."

"Okay. Do you want me to take you home?"

"No. That's okay. I think I'm going to take a walk to clear my lungs first from the smoke." His hand, which was pressed against my lower back on the side, significantly increased its pressure. At this point, I got my phone out and text GMA. "Will catch up tom. Be safe"

"Do you want me to join you?" Lucky replied

"No. That's okay." With that we slowly moved to the exit avoiding the chaos spinning around us. When we got outside, Jericho said his goodbye to Lucky and we walked off. I turned around to see Lucky pouting as he stood next to PNoy.

Jericho told me that he ended up at the gay bar on lesbian night because Lucky wanted to talk about a community event for the college's basketball team. My heart sank. I thought, just thought that maybe there was something going on there. Then he said,

"Don't get me wrong or anything. I like guys, I just thought Lucky really wanted to discuss the event. What brought you there?"

"Oh." caught off guard. "My friend, GMA, uh... she said its pretty chill on lesbian night and, uh... she asked me to join her."

"Is that the little guy with the poofy hair that wears make-up?"


"You know she looks exactly like this OFW maid that they interviewed on TV Patrol last year."

"Really? I don't think she's been a maid." I replied, "But you never know with her?"

"Well this maid worked in Saudi and she was caught mixing her urine in the food she served the family."


"Yeah. Apparently in her province, there is a superstition among the people out in the remote areas that if someone ingests the urine of another the people who ingest it will only be loving and kind to them."

"Wow. What happened to her?"

"The family beat her, of course. Then they took her to the religious police. A case was filed but then the judge decided that her actions were just stupidity and not attempted magic so they fined her and deported her."

We walked for a bit until we got to a late night tapsilog.

"You feel like eating?" He asked. I stumbled to look for the appropriate answer as my calm had reverted back to anxious nervousness.

"Uhm. I... uh..... I"

"Well, we could always just go back to my house and cuddle if you want."

Challenge X: The Bar Brawl
 ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ 
Orange Wit
Spiral Prince
leader of opposition


  1. Sweetness overload. Haha. I just love posts that make me scream for more. :D

  2. *blush* i am greatly humbled and honored by your comment. *blush*

    1. Hoho. No biggie :P This makes me guilty though. Still haven't made my entry for this challenge T_T

  3. Really enjoyed the story, LOF. This kind of satire you don't read everyday. :)

  4. I had to check several times if I was in the right URL. My gahd, If you'd have made me read this without saying who wrote it, I would never have known. This is ohsam, LOF. And the fact that it's all true is crazy. You really should write more drawn out stories like this.